Listen in to the story of an apparently harmless early experience I had with money and discover how its limiting effects reverberated down the years – until I did the work to change it.
We don’t know what we don’t know about ourselves until we get curious and do some digging!
Hopefully my story will stir some relevant memories for you too so you’ll know where you need to go to release your hidden blocks to money and success.
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It’s the day after my 7th birthday and Dad catches me on the landing when there’s no-one else around.
He’s holding something out to me and looking very serious and solemn.
I can’t focus on what it is, because my whole body freezes and I’m scrambling to figure out what I’m about to be scolded for, but he says:
“Your Mum and I have been talking, Linda, and we think you’re old enough to have some regular pocket-money now.”
The shiny silver coin that he’s proffering snaps into focus and my mouth drops open in shock and disbelief.
This can’t be right!
“What? This can’t be right!”, I think to myself, “I heard mum crying on the bed just last week because she couldn’t pay the butcher and had no more money for food”.
“Really, Dad?” I say as the initial shock wears off and I can speak again. “That’s for me? ALL of it?!” I say, face wavering between disbelief and a huge grin of excited anticipation.
It feels like a fortune to me and oh the things I could do with that silver coin!
“Yes” he says, solemnly presenting it to me, “And make sure you DON’T FRITTER IT AWAY!”
He’s almost wagging his finger at me as he says this and the words “Don’t fritter it away” are being seared into my little brain, where they will echo for decades to come.
I freeze again
Oh ohhhh! Stomach tightening and I freeze again. What does he mean? I don’t understand. Money’s for spending, isn’t it? But I don’t dare ask him to explain because clearly this is a VERY serious matter and one I SHOULD be able to understand without asking anyway.
So I gratefully accept the shiny new coin and make off with it, my whole being filled with a confusing torrent of thoughts and emotions:
- The shock that it’s actually MINE – I didn’t see that coming!
- The fear that they can’t really afford to give it to me
- The guilt when I think of mum crying because she didn’t have money for food
- The worry that my little sisters are being left out and will be green with envy and make me pay for it!
- The feeling I don’t really deserve it as I’ve done nothing to earn it
- Shame for feeling so excited about it at the same time
- And then the real kicker, the deep down in my belly DREAD, mixed with excitement, that I am actually GOING to FRITTER IT ALL AWAY – on glorious things like gobstoppers, comics and sherbet dips. I can’t wait!
What did I decide all this meant?
So what beliefs about money did I take away from all this? What mistaken meanings formed in my 7 year old mind from this first experience of having money of my own?
- That money is a VERY serious matter, a mysterious, elusive thing that only grown-ups can understand
- That I’m not capable of understanding it at all
- That spending on things that give me pleasure is somehow wrong and irresponsible
- That it’s always in short supply and I should feel bad or panicky whenever I spend money
- That I don’t really deserve it unless I’ve struggled for it
- That when I receive money I’d better watch out, because other people might be envious and attack me
- That I can’t be trusted not to fritter it away
- And that money is fundamentally A SCARY THING for me!
And all of this was building on the money and wealth blueprint that had already started forming in my little 7-year old mind since the moment I’d been born. All the beliefs, the emotions and the traumas present in my family of origin that I’d been soaking up like a sponge as the truth about money, about success, about rich people, about what’s possible for people like me and so on.
How did this show up in my adult life?
And how did this show up in my business – until I started doing the inner work to change things?
Well, I became a ‘just enough’ kind of person and it was hard for me to imagine, or even allow myself to imagine having more than enough. Maintaining the numbers in my bank account at ‘just enough’ allowed me to avoid having to feel all those mixed and uncomfortable feelings again.
When things started to shift as I worked on myself and there was more than enough in my bank account, a part of me would instantly find a way to get rid of it by manifesting some huge unexpected expense, or enrolling in more trainings and courses that I didn’t really need but could justify to myself as an investment in the business (so NOT frittering, right?!)
I’d also have periods of feast, where there was a plentiful supply of dream clients queuing up to work with me, followed by periods of famine where I could almost hear myself talking people out of working with me in sales conversations.
What was all that about?!!!
So this particular piece of my money story, the first time I actually had money of my own, has been a huge part of my healing journey – healing my relationship with money so it became my ally and supporter, rather than something mysterious and scary that I have to struggle to get and fight to keep!
Over to you
Hopefully as you’ve been listening to this, it will have stirred some early memories for you too, as well as some insights into how you’re showing up with money now, so you can see whether you really are 100% open to receiving and flowing all the money and success you want and deserve. Do let us know what you find in the Comments below!
Did you find this helpful?
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